I lost my 17 year old sister 9 months ago, from a cocaine and fentanyl overdose. My unfortunate reality, that I'm still exploring.
Losing her has been the most painful experience imaginable. The death of my only sister left me with an open wound that will never heal. It's a feeling like having to continue on with life, with only half a heart.
There are many mornings filled with anger, denial, disbelief and many, many tears. Her passing left me with a feeling like I was drowning all the time. People told me, "It will get easier", but that made me even more upset, because it wasn't getting any better. It wasn't until about 6 months after her death that I felt something lift a bit of weight off my heart. However, it was half a year that went by, where I felt like I could barely keep my head above water.
My little sister suffered sexual abuse and interference at age 14, from a known predator, who unfortunately was never charged. The abuse lead her down a destructive path of addiction for many years, to numb her painful experiences. When she tragically died in the original abusers' motel room, 4 years later, a part of me died with her. It was like I was robbed of something I worked so desperately to save, for so many years. And I'm still fighting.
There is a constant ache in my heart for all the memories we won't get to share together. My sister, Heather, is my best friend in this world. I become flooded with thoughts of never getting to see her smile or hear her laugh again, and those are unbearable. My sister and I will never be able to hug and kiss each other again. We won't be able to sing aloud to our favourite John Mayer songs together. We won't be standing proud to watch each other get married. We won't get to hold our nieces and nephews, and help each other through motherhood.
I will never get to see her dance again.
All of these thoughts leave me with a lump in my chest, because my sister and I planned our lives out together. It feels as if she's been ripped away from me forever, when neither of us ever deserved that.
Losing my sister has given me a re-evaluation of life that I never wanted. As much as it's been the most painful, overwhelming, never-ending, uphill battle I've ever had to endure, what stems from all the pain is love. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. The amount of grief I have felt losing her, is proportionate to the amount of love I have for her. There is so much agony, because our love runs so deep.
The death of my little sister has shown me the true beauty of life. There is goodness, even in the bad. It's brought me to a better understanding of who I am as a person, and helped me see the preciousness of my life, and those around me. I take pride in the little things, because they do matter. I can see some of the light, beneath the dark. No, it's not easy, but the loss of such a special loved one has brought me back to reality. I miss her so much that it's helped me appreciate and be grateful for the things I do have.
Losing a sibling is like an ocean. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes the waves are rocky, sometimes the water is calm. You just have to learn to swim.
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