stories - grief

My grieving started 3 years ago on December 17, 2018. I was only 18 years old at the time. So young with so much life ahead of me. I was a senior in high school, it was finals week. It was like any other day. My mom was yelling at me that morning to hurry so I could get to school on time. She had somewhere to be and since I didn't have a first period class I went in later. So that morning she was rushing me. The drive to school was happy despite the yelling that morning. She happily explained to me how she gave her grandchildren early Christmas gifts and how happy they were. I remember the lightness of the conversation. The feelings we felt in that moment. I remember laughing and smiling with her. The whole 10 minutes that it took to get me to school, oh how I wish it took longer. We got to school, I remember getting out and looking at her. We smiled at each other and said goodbye. She told me she would be back later to pick me up after school and wished me luck on my final. One final look and the last words given between us was, "I love you". Something that lasted for just a few seconds now feels timeless.

After school was over, My niece came to pick me up for school. At the time she didn't know how to drive being only 17, so I was surprised to see her. I was so overcome with excitement I didn't think much of it. I jumped in the car and drove us to my house. I hung out with my niece and nephews all day. Having fun and goofing around. At some point in the evening my niece and I were outside in the backyard looking at the sky/mountains. As I took in the beautiful area I suddenly spoke. I started telling my niece that if anything ever happened to any of us it would be tragic. I told her nothing would be the same and it would be so hard to carry on. I quickly brushed off the sad mood by stating that we should be grateful that we're all safe and enjoy each other while we're still around. She agreed, we smiled at each other and decided to go inside to play games. At that moment in time, I had no idea how true my words were and the disaster that awaited me. I look back now wondering how I could've said something like that without knowing what had been done to my life. I guess on the inside I had a feeling, I knew something was wrong but just wasn't aware.

30 minutes goes by and there's a knock at the door. I open the door laughing and see a woman. She starts saying my mom's name and I quickly shrug her off saying, "Oh, my mom isn't here right now if you want to leave a card or something I can let her know you stopped by when she gets back.". The woman stares at me for a moment before repeating my mom's name and asking if I knew her. I look at her wondering why she's asking so hard about my mom. I tell her she's my mom. She asked for another adult and I just informed her that it's just me. I was the best adult she was going to get. She sighs and starts talking. At that moment a ringing starts in my ear. I didn't hear a word she said. I stare for a moment before asking her to repeat herself. She looks at me and says," Your mom unfortunately was in a car accident this morning. She passed away at 10 am."

I stare finally registering the words being said to me. I turn to look at my niece who is now standing staring at me with concern wondering what is going on. In front of my niece and nephews I scream, I scream so hard yelling, "Grandma is dead!" I collapsed to the ground screaming as tears rushed down my face. My niece takes off running to call her mom in a panic. Suddenly I stand up again and look at the lady that gave me the worst news of my life. She looks at me with such sad eyes as I quickly tell her she has the wrong person. That it wasn't my mom. I was sure she was at the wrong house, she shakes her head. I demand to know what happened to her; she informs me that my mom's car had been nicked by a semi and flipped off of the freeway. The lady leaves us all in panic. Just like that my whole world was falling around me, everything was breaking. My heart, my mind, and my soul. I was so hurt with my mind racing. How could this be? Why did this happen? Why my mom? Why me? How could she have passed away since that morning without us knowing? I couldn't breathe.

Before I knew it my mom's house was filled with her sisters and my cousins. All of them were so lost and in shock of losing their sister/aunt. Everyone was staring at me with such heartbreak. I screamed and screamed. I screamed looking at them asking them what would happen to me. What was I going to do? How would I be able to carry on? I mean I was still in high school and never had a job before. How could I support my mom's house?

I was just a kid.

It's safe to say that my Christmas that year sucked. The rest of the month was me being dragged around to make me an adult. Getting my ID, the name on the house changed to mine, and burying my mom. I was a wreck, I couldn't believe what my life had come to.

I know this story sounds tragic and it really was. But I did the only thing I could. I kept going. I kept breathing. I didn't have time to grieve for my mom when I needed to fix my life. Finally, the story slowly starts to get better. I pushed myself to graduate high school knowing that's what my mom would've wanted. I learned to pay bills and support myself. I rushed myself wanting to feel better already, I learned quickly that you can't. You have to be gentle and caring with yourself. As time went on, so did I. It's not easy losing someone. But the last thing they would ever want is for you to lose yourself. I stayed strong and got my life in order. Now 3 years later my life is so different, I still miss my mom with all of my heart. I still cry or well sob. It's part of the process, I've learned to love it and accept the tears. I feel my sadness because it reminds me of the love I've felt. I found a partner to love and worked hard. I moved to a new state and started fresh with people that have time to love and care for me. I know I'm stronger because a loss doesn't make you weak. I want people to understand that it might feel like your life is over or you want it to be. Trust me, it isn't and you don't. It's going to take time, heck, it's going to take your whole life but you're going to be okay.

Do great things with the time you have. Tomorrow is never promised. So make the best of today. Be happy to be alive and live for those that you miss. I believe one day I will see my mom again. I feel for the 18 year old me. I wish I could have told myself what I knew now. I hope my sad story helps someone. You're not alone. We all go through tough times, you just need to make sure that you make it to tomorrow every single day of your life. Be happy, find love, find things you're great at, spend time with loved ones. Keep moving forward.